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I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
A short story of betrayal:
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different