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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Here’s a meme
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.