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My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags