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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Anarchy
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.