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My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Friday night party time 🥳
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Bartenders are just boneless bars