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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
He took my last fry, your honor
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*