Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

uncle dave has been through hell

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.