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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I enjoy a good short stor
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.