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Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!