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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.