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lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Confused owl: What?!
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
He took my last fry, your honor
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what