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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it