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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.