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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Sending in my taxes
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert