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“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.