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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.