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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.