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North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words