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if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.