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… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat