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back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
LMAO.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.