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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS