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We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Be vigilant
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.