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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
*weighs self after shaving
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I bet birds love this building.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.