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Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me