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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m awake but I object,
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
🍞🦆
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
