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This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
