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Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up