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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Asking the real questions!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me in tagged photos
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“you changed” bro i was 15
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭