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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Family Celebrity
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Just a reminder, folks:
