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Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
work smarter, not harder
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*