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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail