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Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
getting old is fun
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?