2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
You Might Also Like
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister