2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them