2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.