Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

#SaturdayBears

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.