[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
Tammy is short for Tamuel
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house