2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
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A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
They’re really bad with fonts.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.