2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
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Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
i will not be silenced
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.