Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Pass gas, not judgment.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

I’m ready to try another planet.

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.