2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Spotted in the wild
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit