Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

WIFE: Where’s the dog?

*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*

ME: I let him outside.

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Thank heavens for community notes

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

🧠

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

I have written yet another poem about laundry

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.