Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

The A string on my guit_r is flat

Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!

In the grass..

So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!

[all the children]

Grass??

Yessssss.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!