2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.