2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
You Might Also Like
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.