[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Denise please return my vape pen
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.