[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
first you must answer his riddles
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Just me?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers