@SteveSuckington

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

You Might Also Like

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

@brynnester

Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?

JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?

Exec:

JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?

Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?

@dafloydsta

[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?

@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

@squirrel74wkgn

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

@BoomBoomBetty

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

@NotYourSoulmate

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@sarcasticmommy4

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.