[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

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WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.


Exec: So we’ve done fantastic beasts, what’s next?

JK Rowling: A restaurant guide called fantastic feasts and where to find them?


JK Rowling: A book about bread making called fantastic yeasts and where to find them?

Exec: Is everything ok at home JK?


[knocks on your door 10 years later]
Were you flirting with me?


“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.


[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?


[seductively takes off mom jeans]


Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]


Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.


How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.


My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.


I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.