[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
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I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
🛁
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*