[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

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In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.


My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.


*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time


Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.


If I yawn, and the person talking says, ‘Sorry for boring you’, I graciously accept their apology.

Because, manners.


I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*


DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.


VADER: Star bucks.