Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

Before & after 😅

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.