Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda