2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*