2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
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Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on