Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
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“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My sex drive has a dui
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.