Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

new shirt idea

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

Festive toon…

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.