2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
bugs when you lift up a rock
