2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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Why font matters.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.