2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Priorities
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.