Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

Never mess with a drunken pig.

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

you will never know the true number of layers

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.