Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy