Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right

Guy on subway: what

Me: what

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Plumber: I think I found the problem

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.