2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
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“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.