Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?

My life in a nutshell

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”