Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Her: What are you doing this weekend?

Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Still my favorite headline of all time: