Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.