2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
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i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Art by Pastelkatto
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it