Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot