Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

It was to keep our furry overlords content😉

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

The most avoided species of shark is the Loan

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.