2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
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SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.