2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
You Might Also Like
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Monday
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Morning my dudes.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
thanks auntie mary
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.