Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

I went from rags to one rag.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Who called it baking and not making love

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Printer ink is expensive

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.