2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
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school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.