Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

A roof is a house hat.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.