Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

“A little help here, Danny?”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.

Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted