*3.5 thank you very much.
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Milk Cube
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Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime